so cover me in dirt

Have you ever felt like everyone is so busy being themselves that you just are left alone?  It isn't that I wish my friends were different because I cherish them as they are.  It's just that publicly, out there in your car or sitting at the coffee shop, this focus on the individual self as being a refuge gets in the way of good connection.  Maybe I'm afraid that I will become the person I talk to, like parts of them will travel through the space between us and come into me.  Even abstractly that is impossible, because no matter how empty I feel, I am full up to my limit with matter.  I have a heart that is my own and it works just fine so I don't need to feel what yours is like.  Why should I be so interested in yours if you aren't interested in mine?  Because my identity is so wrapped around connections and magic between persons that I just can't bear to search for fairness that isn't there.  I don't have time to always think about motivation and consequences behind every single action.  Having the intelligence to do this is so good that it will pull me down into a damp, mold infested well if I use it too often.  Oh, forget it, I fear I'll never be able to call myself intelligent without feeling like a fraud or an impostor.  When I work hard I begin to question myself, perhaps just to make sure I'm using my energy for productive efforts.  For example, women's rights are a productive effort.