The love relationships chapter stands out among the other chapters of the textbook because I am so interested in how these relationships work for different people. The topics included in the love relationships chapter are so immediately applicable as they discuss issues that arise in daily life over power dynamics within relationships. When I flipped through the textbook at time of purchase I stopped at this chapter and read as much as I could. Going to read it the second time around the issues and terminology seemed so familiar, as I had read it before out of curiosity. My interest in love relationships is insatiable. So when a textbook presents these topics to be discussed in Academia I am thrilled!
There are certain characteristics that males and females look for in a partner to share a friendly, sexual, or romantic relationship. Both men and women clearly include attractiveness as one of their priorities. Men, especially, are said to be more visual than women and give a lot of attention to physical appearance. But what does that mean men and women are looking for? What are men and women looking for when attractiveness is rated as being particularly important?
I am going to begin questioning of the relativity of attractiveness. The emphasis that attractiveness is an absolute that should be everyone’s goal to reach via diets, tanning, waxing, hair coloring, or plastic surgery is harmful. Attractiveness as a concept that can be defined is not helpful; it is relative, and created on a very individual basis. The question to be asked: is attractiveness relative and if so why is it not advertised that way? Instead the traditional statement that “men and women value attractive individuals,” only leaves everyone thinking to himself or herself something like: ‘oh – I guess that means they value skinny, athletic, symmetrical individuals, which excludes me’. Though there are certainly beauty standards that when met qualify a person as being especially attractive but there is a problem with this sort of logic. The question we need to be asking of people is not what is attractive but what is attractive to you? With the addition of those last two words, to you, we change the whole question. It even begins tapping into a different part of the brain, requesting that the person think from a more honest space inside of them. We grow up learning about things outside ourselves as well as about ourselves and sometimes we find two very distinct worlds. We may be attracted to more robust body types with bridge noses and a few pointy teeth because pointy teeth are sexy. At the same time we may know very well that what is attractive is thin, athletic, symmetrical proportions and a healthy overall appearance. But that isn’t what is attractive to us.
Ask love partners why their partner is attractive to them and then ask them what special quirks their partner has in his or her physical appearance and we find answers that are very different, almost coming from different places in the brain.
The point is to improve mental health and longevity and one way we can do that is by acknowledging these two different questions: what is attractive verses what is attractive to you? What is attractive to you allows the person to think about their own appearance in relation to others and come up with a response that not only benefits society because of the truthfulness of it but also benefits the person because it allows them to answer from a more truthful stance.
Perhaps it would be helpful to look at the roots of this ideal beauty in women. Women created the concept of ideal beauty back in the early days of marketing because it was them who were interviewed, not men. Women were interviewed and asked to report on what they thought men found most attractive. Men were never asked and if they were they would report a very wide range of features that they find attractive. For example men might prefer able-bodied women with more curvy features. The point is that attractiveness is relative and should not be discussed without including this disregarded aspect. What is attractive is indeed skinny (very skinny), athletic, healthy, symmetrical, etc. But what is attractive to me is a very different story.
There are certain characteristics that males and females look for in a partner to share a friendly, sexual, or romantic relationship. Both men and women clearly include attractiveness as one of their priorities. Men, especially, are said to be more visual than women and give a lot of attention to physical appearance. But what does that mean men and women are looking for? What are men and women looking for when attractiveness is rated as being particularly important?
I am going to begin questioning of the relativity of attractiveness. The emphasis that attractiveness is an absolute that should be everyone’s goal to reach via diets, tanning, waxing, hair coloring, or plastic surgery is harmful. Attractiveness as a concept that can be defined is not helpful; it is relative, and created on a very individual basis. The question to be asked: is attractiveness relative and if so why is it not advertised that way? Instead the traditional statement that “men and women value attractive individuals,” only leaves everyone thinking to himself or herself something like: ‘oh – I guess that means they value skinny, athletic, symmetrical individuals, which excludes me’. Though there are certainly beauty standards that when met qualify a person as being especially attractive but there is a problem with this sort of logic. The question we need to be asking of people is not what is attractive but what is attractive to you? With the addition of those last two words, to you, we change the whole question. It even begins tapping into a different part of the brain, requesting that the person think from a more honest space inside of them. We grow up learning about things outside ourselves as well as about ourselves and sometimes we find two very distinct worlds. We may be attracted to more robust body types with bridge noses and a few pointy teeth because pointy teeth are sexy. At the same time we may know very well that what is attractive is thin, athletic, symmetrical proportions and a healthy overall appearance. But that isn’t what is attractive to us.
Ask love partners why their partner is attractive to them and then ask them what special quirks their partner has in his or her physical appearance and we find answers that are very different, almost coming from different places in the brain.
The point is to improve mental health and longevity and one way we can do that is by acknowledging these two different questions: what is attractive verses what is attractive to you? What is attractive to you allows the person to think about their own appearance in relation to others and come up with a response that not only benefits society because of the truthfulness of it but also benefits the person because it allows them to answer from a more truthful stance.
Perhaps it would be helpful to look at the roots of this ideal beauty in women. Women created the concept of ideal beauty back in the early days of marketing because it was them who were interviewed, not men. Women were interviewed and asked to report on what they thought men found most attractive. Men were never asked and if they were they would report a very wide range of features that they find attractive. For example men might prefer able-bodied women with more curvy features. The point is that attractiveness is relative and should not be discussed without including this disregarded aspect. What is attractive is indeed skinny (very skinny), athletic, healthy, symmetrical, etc. But what is attractive to me is a very different story.
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