i know why i'm here

I figured out what it is that I'm doing at college.  According to Daniel Gilbert in his book titled Stumbling on Happiness, I am following Shakespeare's wisdom to:  "go to your bosom, knock there and ask your heart what it doth know".  Essentially all of my courses are asking for students to do some deep identity searching and finding.  We're writing endless journal entries that all have to be personal about our lives and our journeys and so on.  So who knows, maybe I'll emerge from this more self-aware with a stronger identity.  At least that seems to be the goal . . . of every single one of my current professors, so I better like it.

what am I doing at college?

Alright it's time for this blog to be put to some good use. I need help with my schoolwork already and it is only the second day of class. I am going to use this blog entry to work through an assignment of mine, so bear with me. The book is Even the Rat Was White, by Robert V. Guthrie. I already feel awkward just from the sound of the title so can you imagine how I am having difficulty? I can't get around the stupid title. It sounds like something that was just pulled out of a hat. I don't understand the logic. I understand what the point is but I don't understand the logic. By that I mean that I know very well what rats look like and I know there are different colored rats. There are all different colors of rats, so why is this book saying that rats are white? Sure, some of them are, but some of them aren't.

But I have to write up a journal entry about the first chapter of this book, and here is what I've got for you:

Why do people such as Gustav Fritsch, J.H. Shaxby, H.E. Bonnell and others mentioned in Chapter 1 always have to define the human exterior in order to accept its existence?  The defining of different skin colors, hair textures, hair colors and lip thicknesses seems meaningless to me.  It is offensive to be broken up into parts and this approach breaks up an individual's exterior and makes it into something to be studied and for conclusions to then be made based on what is found.  No one in their hearts wants for their lip size to be defined.  In addition, these scientists and philosophers gain recognition for coming up with tools to measure something as arbitrary and immeasurable as the human exterior.  You won't gain a thing by learning how to quickly categorize people by the size of their lips.  And you surely won't learn anything but social awkwardness if all you are doing is staring at their pores to determine if there's any makeup covering up the natural color.

In these days of makeup and plastic surgery, tools and techniques such as those mentioned in chapter 1 are useless.  For example the tintometer, color tops, color blocks, color standards, and photometer used to define what a person's true skin color is useless.  So many things affect skin color such as exposure to sunlight, acne, diseases such as Dermatillomania or compulsive skin picking, tanning beds, and all sorts of other ways people can change whatever it is that natural means these days.  What is important is not defining natural skin color but being able to look at other human beings without having to think about it.  There is so much more beyond what's on the outside of a person.

Relieved

I just sat through my first class of the semester!  What a relief to have that first class finished; now I can begin enjoying it.  Where the logic is in that I don't know but something about the first class makes it minutes to endure rather than a class to enjoy.  But I don't have to deal with that anymore because the first class is behind me.

I'm a little disappointed because based on my reading load it seems as though I am going to have to stop reading for pleasure.  I am in the middle of a great book, Jodi Picoult's Salem Falls, that I don't want to abruptly set down while I read required texts.  Unless I speed through my class readings it looks like that's what I'll have to do.  Maybe I can save my pleasure reading for a specific time of the day.

I am looking forward to my swimming P.E. class because it is an excuse to get into my 1-piece black Nike bathingsuit and swim around like a dolphin.  Swimming is serious business and the moment I learned this was the moment I put down my bikinis and went for the real deal.

my improved room

After some decorating work, the room is starting to look even better!

Wise Words by Sleeping Beauty

Sitting on my bed as I wake up I feel its wooden frame and cushy mattress hold me.  It holds my weight and I surrender myself into the folds and creases of its covers.  I've been awake for an hour now but still I am sitting on my bed daydreaming about sleeping.  The sheets are warm from the night before, their warmth reminds me of dreaming.  The pillows are just right.  I've been to another world in my dreams, lived another life.  As I dream, my room surrounds me in a protective cover.  It must have been a good night, filled with dreams that may haunt or thrill me but will never be uncovered.  At least for this morning they are forgotten, perhaps only momentarily?  The warmth brings me back to me dream; I was at a gas station having car trouble.  A semi truck driver walked over and asked for help and threw a pile of money at me.  The money fell splat into a puddle of green ooze, out of which I began picking each individual dollar bill.  I remember shaking each dollar bill off, trying to clean them.  Sleeping becomes a delight, and the bed whispers for me to doze off once again.  But something stops me.  The bed will hold me up and let me dream all over again tonight.  With that in mind, I move on with the day's tasks, while my bed gets a chance to rest.

Barack Obama's Dreams from My Father

I just finished reading Barack Obama's Dreams from My Father and am feeling happy with the book.  It is about discovering roots and finding a base for them in the present, a place where they fit in with the current way of life.  It was about mixing things together and changing well-formed opinions into better-formed opinions, with more workable truth for them to rest on.  Obama travels to New York, Chicago, and to Kenya, as he learns about his family and about how his experience can help him understand the experiences of others.  The book is wise and interesting from start to finish.  In the final pages of the book Rukia says about identity and what it means to be an authentic person:

"They live in a mixed-up world.  It's just as well, I suppose.  In the end, I'm less interested in a daughter who's authentically African than one who is authentically herself" (435).

And Obama says of the baobab trees:

"They both disturbed and comforted me, those trees that looked as if they might uproot themselves and simply walk away, were it not for the knowledge that one moment carries within it all that's gone on before" (437).

I found these statements to be very wise, offering tremendous insight into one way of understanding life.  The first quote I considered incredibly peace promoting, emphasizing the truth inherent in an individual as opposed to forcing something onto them at a time when it is not appropriate.  The second idea that "one moment carries within it all that's gone on before" gives me a sense of inner tranquility, knowing that it's okay to carry with me all of my mistakes and successes.  But I also know that with the history of racism, sexism, classism, heterosexism, ageism and ableism, that some may not find this idea as comforting as I imagine for myself.

the gym

Gym memberships have been, in my experience, well worth the expense.  At school and perhaps when holding down a career any outlet for built up energy and excitement sounds great.  The gym has been that for me; it has been a place where I can go when I need to sweat, sweat, sweat!  And afterwards I feel much better than I did before just because of the endorphins that are released during exercise.  Because I do cardiovascular exercise via the elliptical machines and bikes, I can also go away knowing that I did something good for my heart.

It feels and sounds a bit ridiculous to be holding the gym up on a pedestal, saying that it is great and this and that.  After all, it's just a gym.  But it is one of the few activities where I can say that I've always been happy to have gone and it has only made my life more flexible.  It opens up possibilities and does a world of good.

What's the point in going on about how great a gym membership is when many people don't have one?  I don't know.  But my day has opened up after heading to the gym this morning and I needed to let you all know!

Lilies

I'm working on bringing my room to life with flowers like these Lilies in my windowsill.  Above them I have a wind chime!

adjustment

According to some, moving to a new location can be one of the most stressful experiences of all. If that is true, it easily explains my current state as I am bombarded with change.  Do transitions ever get any easier?

Anyway, I am looking forward to enrollment clearance on Tuesday and classes beginning on Wednesday.  Then I will get into the swing of things and be able to participate in class discussions.  My class lineup includes the following: Senior Seminar Identity Development, Counseling Psychology, Judgment and Decision Making, and Women in Music.  A total of four classes, the lineup is very promising in the content that it covers.  Identity Development should hopefully be a nice mix of self-care plus learning about how others develop their identity and how it may differ from our ways.  Counseling Psychology should be great as I have officially decided to go for the L.P.C. (Licensed Professional Counselor) or L.C.S.W. (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) track.  Judgment and Decision making may test my own study habits in addition to teaching about how people judge a set of circumstances and come to some decision.  It has the potential to be an annoying topic, though, because it in itself seems judgmental.  Who is to say they know about how other people make decisions.  Isn't that a very complex cognitive process?  I'm not so sure people know that much about it, so the class will be interesting; clearly I have a lot to learn.  Women in Music fulfills a fine arts requirement and it will be great to get that finished since it is senior year and I'm looking toward the finish line.

 

With all of the things I have to look forward to comes a whole other group of things that I have to deal with.  It's hard work looking forward to things; it takes up lots of energy to look forward to something, especially when there's excitement involved.  I am excited to be in my dorm room, for example, but am not happy about what happened last night as I tried to fall asleep.  The air conditioning unit began making this loud noise of water rushing.  Water rushing sounds like it could potentially be pleasant but it was not.  It was annoying and I had to listen intermittently throughout the night to this terrible gurgling noise.  Thankfully, today a man from physical plant came in to fix it and I learned that it was indeed water gurgling.  He had to tighten the nozzle on this thing to get it to shush up, which, I am proud to report, it has.   Now that the air conditioning unit is fixed, tonight will be a lot better.

the night i decided to stay up

Why, you might ask, did I decide to stay up tonight rather than go to bed?  It was a spiritual moment of sorts that kept me up.  I needed to let myself enjoy my own time.  I know how to do it and do it often; it's just when it comes to bedtime I often like to escape into the sheets.  It's a refuge that keeps me from facing myself: a person capable of spending time alone.  It's a growing up process I guess.

I stayed up tonight to enjoy some alone time.  I make bracelets out of string, read Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama, and plan out my schedule for the next few weeks.  Classes start this week so it was a fun process to plan out my schedule, being that there is so much in it.  I don't know how I feel about being busy; I change my mind everyday.

Well, after all that writing about the huge move from home to college, I am finally here and unpacked.  Can you believe it?  Not only am I here, 14 hours away from where I was yesterday, but I am unpacked and comfortable here.  That's quite the transition.  I can't believe I made it!  All with the help of my mother.  Couldn't have done it without her.

college bound

Getting myself off to college has been quite the hustle. First I had to spend weeks preparing mentally for the drive and the major change in location that comes with it. Then I had to say bye to people that mean so much to me and have been in my life consistently over the summer. One of the most meaningful goodbyes came at the end of a long shift at the coffee shop. My boss came in for about the seventh time that night to say bye and give each other a hug. I have learned a lot from her as well as that job and I will miss it. I'm thankful though that I have something to miss because it hasn't always been that way in the past.

Following all this I wanted to do some shopping before I took off so that my life would be easier when I arrived in Memphis. I didn't want to save everything for Memphis because the bills would get overwhelming. It was better for me to spread it out and buy some things ahead of time here at home while I had the time. It was either shop or sit and think about leaving so I took the less challenging of the two, the big wuss that I am.

Last I had to pack the car with all of my stuff: bedspread, books, clothes, laptop, TV, and other things. I was determined to do it on my own without any parents interfereing and taking control of the situation. I got all of my stuff the car and felt better having done it. Basically my point is that there is nothing else to worry about. There is nothing to worry about. There is nothing left to do. There is no more that needs to be said. There is not any holding back or any futher steps that will come before my big trip off to college. I am going and that's all that is happening. Frightening, huh? And you'd think this was my first year! But it isn't my first year leaving home, it's my fourth. I am used to this -- I just don't know what awaits.

I'm getting all sorts of excited about heading back to school in the near future. I leave in 3-4 days depending on if today is counted as a legitimate day. Of course today is always a legitimate day but when doing countdowns it is definitely more convenient for days to be crossed off the map as if they never did exist. Thursday is the big driving day which I am not looking forward to for any reason other than for its result: dropping me off in another state, 16 hours away from what is familiar. I like the thrill of being dropped off in another state to attend college. With such huge independence I do all sorts of wild things that you can't even imagine. For example I go to local parks and go on solo hikes around ponds with birds that flap their wings and turn their backs on me. Those days are always difficult to handle; the rejection is the worst especially when it comes from Canadian Geese.

About the car ride: I can't stand being in the same position for more than an hour at the absolute max. It really is unfortunate that I'm about to be stuck driving for 16 hours all in one long Thursday. It will be an endless amount of double yellow lines and pavement, with signs along the way to remind me of how many McDonalds and Arbys and Dairy Queens there are in the US. All those signs do is make me feel bad for myself for being on the road for so long. When I've gotten to the point that I've seen at least 5 hours worth of those dreadful signs I know I have been driving for too long. All that aside, I know that I want to get to where I am going and I know I need my car to come with me. That car is a good piece of machinery; love isn't just reserved for human-human interaction. I love my car, not for what it is as an object but for what it represents: a technological advancement that has lead to our being able to traverse the continent in just a few days time.

I will make it through the drive somehow. Maybe I'll sit down and meditate on my arrival: I will be peaceful, awake, ready for the new location. I won't be grumpy from 16 hours in the car. No, no I will step out from the car with a skip in my step. It will be a blessing to be planted in a new place. Hopefully that mentality will last.

walking the dog

I've started taking my black labrador retriever on walks at the nearest recreation center to where I live. I figured it would be a worthwhile investment of time to take him to a new place where he can test his nostril skills out on some new turf. He has lost his vision as well as his hearing so his nose is about all he has left. He uses it for everything. It's so refreshing to see him following his nose as we take our walk on sidewalks, through fields and on trails.

Anyway, the first time we went on our adventure he had no idea where I was taking him. He thought he was going to the Vet, and since that was the case he was clueless as to what fun he was about to have. The second time, however, he was so excited to hop in the car that he was shaking. He was ready to go!

The walks have gone well so far. I just need to keep it up! It's hard to drive the dog 15-20 minutes to the recreation facility where we go on our adventures. I'd be easier if I perhaps lived ON the recreation grounds. That'd be the life. But he and I we're on our way to happier days and happier nights, primarily a result of our walks together.

writing in anticipation of going to work

Starting today I am working like a mad woman. I work 8-9 hours everyday beginning today (Monday) at Market Street Coffee, my second home. I have a lot of mixed feelings about working so frequently. One, it is good because it keeps me busy in these 20 days remaining of my time at home. Two, it is bad because I am surrounded by delicious food that makes me want to eat constantly. Eating gelato and cookies constantly is in my opinion a great idea when I'm up for it. But honestly, I'm not up for it. I need to be able to sleep well this week and if I eat loads of chocolate enhanced food then I know I won't even make it past the first sleep stage. I know for sure I won't get to REM, which is the only point there is in sleeping because it leaves fabulous pieces of dreams in my head to carry around throughout the day. So in conclusion because I do not plan on eating gelato and cookies all night I think it is a good thing that I am working so much. I will make good dinero which will serve me well in my future endeavors, for example my first couple of weeks back at school will call for some money.

Market Street Coffee is a great place to go for coffee. I hope the whole world comes in and visits, just make it before 9:00 pm because that's when we start getting ready to close. Yes, it's true we close at 10 pm not 9 pm but we start getting ready to close way before its necessary. It keeps work what it needs to be: work. Keeps me on my toes.

trying to see the good in my parents

It has been a day like no others before. I can't think of much that I've done other than read, go to the gym and eat. As I prepare for bed I can't find anything entertaining to think about. Maybe I'll try some meditation, like focusing on a phrase that is calming for me such as : '. . . as you sit on the soft chair it holds you.' There is no chair; the sentence just seems to work as a relaxing agent.

Now that I take a moment to think about the day, I think there are some things that I learned. I learned to take criticism seriously and not to let it stop me from doing the work I know I want to do. After dinner tonight I asked for my parents opinions of two of my art pieces, one of which my Dad flat out said he did not like. He had reasons and I listened to them. I proceeded to change the entire painting later this evening, turning it into a beautiful landscape. Landscapes are a secret talent of mine. My parents were astounded when I showed them the change. Their reactions were helpful. I might not have wanted to hear them but they were reactions like any other reaction, to art.

updated version of my latest painting.